Sunday, November 27, 2016
An Imprecise Eraser
In November one wakes to no snow, noteworthy only because at bedtime there was snow. Weather as a welcome if imprecise eraser, indifference as a kind of radiating SOS. While the others sleep, I drink bad coffee and navigate - that is not the word - a two-year-old depression (which is the word). We who cannot win but can go deeper do so only to discover a new "we" who cannot swallow all of the watery swale. First they ask how they can help, then they tell you that you need to get professional help because they don't think they can help you, and then they tell you that you have to leave because you're not getting better. Wind, snow flurries, sun against far hills the color of certain gun barrels. One rediscovers their fundamental homelessness and it hurts - oh how it hurts - but on the other hand, what else allows for hope? This and other park benches on which I have slept, spent hours pondering something from nothing while people passed without looking at me, and generally kept faith with the Lord as I understood him. Is it Sunday already? Are those bells dissolving in my gut or am I still a little bent on religion and salvation? Where you can't breathe, you can't ask for help, but you can be still, you can make the way you travel a light unto other travelers. This loneliness wants to know itself better, a tether if one is needed, and a familiar tether, if familiarity matters. Yes, the sun rises on dead pigs and many others who will never eat again but what else is new? My dear, my departing, my lovely - my willing - eclipse.